Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Blaming The Victim

Good morning Travellers, I got my first hater yesterday!  An auspicious occasion in my book, because no one is anyone without a hater.

Actually, I'm kind of surprised it took this long, but we're seeing a lot more traffic these days and this post ought to earn me a few more.  What's great about haters you ask?  For one thing, it lets me know that I hit people where they live, that my words had an impact.  The other thing, the best thing, is that haters bring out lovers.  For every one hater that speaks, a couple lovers step up to defend and that is pretty freaking awesome.

My post about bullying yesterday aroused someone's ire, however that person didn't see fit to comment in this space.  The comment was posted to Facebook instead where I was accused of 'blaming the victim'.

Please allow me to clarify.  I would never blame a true victim for being victimized, it happens all the time and true victims deserve sympathy and support.

I HAVE, DO and WILL blame those who choose to be victims.  I blame the choice, I blame the weakness of character for making the choice and I blame anyone who supports that choice.

How about some first person life ownership from me?  I loved my business very much, the loss of it was engineered by others but I was complicit in my own destruction.  I'm the one who did not cover myself, I'm the one who didn't insist that the lease negotiations get sped up so I wouldn't be operating on a month to month basis.  I AM THE ONE WHO WAS SO SCARED ABOUT THE IDEA OF LOSING THE THING THAT MEANT THE MOST TO ME THAT I ALLOWED THE THING THAT MEANT MOST TO ME BE TAKEN AWAY.

Yes, that bastard who owned the building did me wrong, he is partially to blame for deliberately gutting my family.  But I share that load because it's my family, it's mine and I didn't protect it.  I accept my responsibility for my role in victimizing myself.

And I don't feel one bit sorry for me, oh no.  I did this to me and I have to live with the consequences.

So if you are victimizing yourself, don't expect pity from me.  You can expect a firm but loving metaphorical slap to the head, wake up and take up people!  Empowering victims is an idiotic notion, empower ownership instead.

Empower yourself and others to take ownership of your lives, wallowing in your self pity isn't going to get you anywhere.  You will just keep failing, just keep being miserable and downtrodden, because those things are all choices that YOU make.

Making the choice to own your life is not easy, nor is it pretty.  It's ugly and depressing to admit to yourself that you are a grubby critter, especially if your entire life hinges on the illusions of sanctimonious righteousness.

My parting thought to the hater is this:  Every word you wrote was an attempt to set me up, an attempt to get me to bully you.  You tried to manipulate a situation so you could continue your familiar role of being the victim because you confused strength with oppression.  That I am opinionated does not make me a bully, that I don't agree with you doesn't make me wrong.


13 comments:

  1. Hi, Cairn! ~

    Why don't you tell us how you really feel? hehe!

    I love your straight-forward authenticity. I admire the way you take your lessons home first, before pointing a finger at others.

    Personally, I do not believe in the concept of victim-hood. I don't believe in the concepts of good and bad life experiences. I do believe that no matter how much I don't like what's happening to me in a given moment I am complicit in making it happen, and everything ultimately happens to bless me in some way.

    The benefit of this way of thinking is that I get to have complete control of my life in partnership with God (Goddess, Universal Truth, My Higher Self, or whatever you want to call it.) The challenge of this way of thinking is that I never ever get to blame anybody else for anything that happens to me.

    It's the best way to live I've ever discovered. I believe anyone who gives it an honest try would never want to return to their old victimized, oppressed ways of thinking again. However, most people will never try it and therefore they'll never know the magic of true empowerment.

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    1. I think we're having a mutual girl crush!! I agree completely about the concepts of good and bad. I agree so much that I wove the necessity for evil into the fabric of my story. Is evil really evil if it ultimately is for the good? Hmmmmmmm

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  2. You go, girl!!! Standing up for ourselves and learning to take responsibility for our actions is paramount to "growing up". Stating an opinion is not bullying in the least. There will always be those folks out there who actually enjoy being the victims because it allows them to manipulate others into having sympathies for them.
    Don't stop (as if you could) stating flat out how you feel, Cairn! Honesty is the best policy. :)

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  3. Well, I've just posted on the other article.

    Weakness of character? Do you think most people choose that? No, I don't think so. You really can't judge other people based on your own values.

    I applaud your self confidence. But where's your empathy and compassion for others who haven't yet learned that lesson.

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    1. The only way we can judge others is by using our own experiences and values. I save my empathy and compassion for genuine victims and I do believe it is a choice. Most people don't see it as a choice, but life is a series of choices. I think it is pretty black and white, I think all those shades of gray make a bad situation worse. I am most definitely not trying to shame or bully anyone, I am saying there is another option, another choice than being a bully or a victim.

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    2. Please don't send any hate towards Threadlove, she's one of my favorite people in the world :)

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  4. I understand your thinking process about this and in a perfect world you would be right.

    It's not a perfect world, people are imperfect. That's where all those shades of grey exist.

    You can make the choice to see things as black or white. Be open the the possibility of the shades of grey because you have the ability to help someone caught there.

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  5. You're on a roll aren't you, Cairn? I'm loving it. I agree with you completely. I just stated so on your first post on the subject.
    This is not hate for Threadlove, I can see where she's coming from, but I don't feel a lack of empathy in your tone. At some point, it's always a choice - of how you see yourself. The more you see yourself as a victim, the less you feel empowered.

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  6. You're on a roll aren't you, Cairn? I'm loving it. I agree with you completely. I just stated so on your first post on the subject.
    This is not hate for Threadlove, I can see where she's coming from, but I don't feel a lack of empathy in your tone. At some point, it's always a choice - of how you see yourself. The more you see yourself as a victim, the less you feel empowered.

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    1. I do see Threadlove's point, I don't agree with it, but she and I have a lifetime of disagreements between us! She is very much one of those people who wants to soften my blows, and I appreciate her efforts.

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  7. --I must say, I really dig your passion and honesty!

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