Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Bully For You

I've known many couples in my time that practiced a dominant/subordinate relationship.  I don't judge, whatever makes them happy is none of my business really, but my years of observation showed me one very important thing.  Despite how it appears, the dom doesn't have any real power, it's the subbie who controls the relationship in truth.

That's all the kinky sex for this post, this post is about bullies because it's the topic du jour everywhere.  I've read articles by parents, victims and reformed bullies but not one of them has addressed the real problem.  So here I am.

Let me say this loud and clear:  It takes TWO people to have a relationship, even a bullying relationship.  One person has to do the bullying and the other person has to ACCEPT the bullying.

Put your hackles down, I'm not done.

I'm not condoning the torment of innocents, however I'm not blind to human nature and we are all bullies in one way or another.  It is the human condition to impose our wills on others, have you ever threatened your children with taking away something they like when they're not bending to your will?  Bully.

It's who we are, it's what we do.  But, and this is a very big BUT, only you get to decide what you take on board.  Someone is saying nasty things to you?  About you?  So what? If you let someone else's words hurt you, then you have hurt yourself.  You allowed it to happen, you let the bully in.

It is no one else's job in this life to protect you, it is your job to protect you.  The reason there are so many bullies is because there are so many tasty victims walking around, just begging for it.

I was a fat, angry, surly kid in high school, I got bullied of course.  But even then I knew it was just high school shenanigans, that those kids had no real power over me.  Mistee Martinez, yes I still remember your name, tried to make my life in school a hell.  Whatevs, I survived and learned not to let the Mistee Martinezes of the world get over on me.

Mistee wasn't a bully, she was a lesson.  I saw her briefly once after high school, we chuckled about it.

You are in control of what affects you, if you are not a victim, you won't be a victim.  If you walk tall, if you understand that only YOU are the captain of your ship, then that attitude radiates from you and the bullies will slink back into the darkness.

Physical bullies are a different matter, but only slightly.  I'm pretty sure the reason no one actually hit me in high school was because they knew deep down that I would hit back.  That unpredictability saved me, actually it saved them because I would exact vicious retribution on anyone who ever dared to strike me.  I'm not trained to fight by any means, but I am built to dig in and fight back, not run.

People are like dogs, they smell the fear, the uncertainty and move in for the kill.  Stop smelling like a victim, own yourself, laugh at your flaws and charm the hell out of those bullies, turn them into your allies.  It is not difficult, because the bullies are afraid too.  YOU learn to smell THEIR fear, YOU learn to capitalize on it and YOU change the situation.

As with all situations in life, YOU have the power.  Please stop giving it away.


  1. HI, Cairn! ~

    Bravo to you for addressing this issue so boldly. My take on bullying is slightly different from yours, but our views seem more closely aligned on this subject than either of us are with most of the mainstream.

    In short, I agree with you that it is a huge mistake to nurture victim-hood within our children by constantly reinforcing their powerlessness and encouraging a 'poor me' attitude.

    I also wrote a blog post on bullying which you might be interested in reading -- I look forward to your feedback. http://www.dangerouslinda.com/underdog-2-upperdog/

    1. Linda's post is a fabulous first person example of owning your life. Copy and paste the link in your browser for a good read.

  2. I've thought about this article for the past 24 hours and I agree in part with you. Ultimately we are each responsible for our own lives.

    Bullying is a complicated subject and while you've made a good point, you've also simplified it down to black and white.

    I don't think victims choose to be victims. They just don't have the self confidence and other emotional tools to change the situation in a healthy manner.

    Some victims learn other less healthy coping skills to deal with the bullies in their lives. This doesn't make them complicit with the bullying situation. It makes them normal human beings coping with a difficult situation to the best of their current ability.

    It's a big world full of people with a variety of skills and experiences. Life isn't easy and we all do the best we can at any given moment.

  3. I read the comment on FB first, I must confess. Now I come here and find myself nodding in agreement at everything you've written, Cairn. My life changed the moment I stopped being victim and started taking responsibility for everything that happened to me.
    I find too many parents making excuses for their kids and coddling them so much that they're crippling them.
    Linda's post is one of my favorite reads on her blog.

    1. I do wish all those coddling parents would toughen up. Over here, the parents sue the schools if their kids don't get good grades.

  4. This was truly empowering, Cairn. :-) It teaches us to take control of our lives and not be victims of our circumstances. I do wish "victims" would learn to see that they are not so powerless after all.

    1. According to the old legends, a vampire can't enter your house without permission. Perhaps it was a cautionary tale about who one invites inside. Thanks for commenting Irene :)