As much as I love talking about the book, I am going to veer off for a bit and try to write out a few meaningful things about myself. This is my blog after all and I am obnoxiously self-centered enough to think that a few people will be interested down the road. Although you really should check out The Last Prospector because it's a great story and it's only 99 cents for the download at Amazon.com, how can you pass that up?
Anyway, who am I? Such a great question that I ask myself almost incessantly because the answer changes more frequently than my dog's moods. There was a race of beings on Babylon 5 called Vorlons who kept asking the same two questions over and over: who are you and why are you here? I think those might be the two most important questions in all of creation. I don't think that creation is a random accident, we are here for a reason and those two questions are that reason. Every person asks themselves those things and the struggle to find the answers is the purpose of life, the quest to know one's self is more important than any other knowledge.
Of course there are other things to know that have tremendous value and many other good questions to ask, but those two questions are my central nervous system and I could not function without them. So I always question everything, I have always questioned everything and will continue to do so. All that interrogation can be wearing on my loved ones and puts many people off, for some reason many people seem to like not knowing stuff and don't appreciate it when you make them think. After a while, some of those unappreciative sorts do come to realize that I am asking questions only to get answers and most assuredly not digging up ammunition because I'm out to get them.
I'm not out to get very many people, so you 99.999% of the world's population can rest easy. I'm on your side and I am not looking to attack you, I just want to know stuff just to know it.
On the topic of my axes to grind, there is but one entity and that would be the owner and management of the 455 building. Their willful and deliberate murder of my cafe is something I will not ever forgive nor forget and I would happily watch them burn, although I would never set the fire. I believe in karmic reward and and have enough faith in the long game to know that they will suffer greatly for killing my dreams and gutting my family. I did hear that one of them died and it was painful, for which I gave thanks, no lie.
I'm not heartless, but I loved the Cafe 455 like no other thing that I've ever done and I was the very best version of me for the five years that we fed downtown Sacramento. The aftermath of losing the cafe was as devastating to me as the death of our oldest child. The pain and shock were almost exactly the same and my grief over the loss of our business opened up all those dark places where I pushed my sorrow over Brianne away for so long.
Bri was only twelve when she died suddenly and with no warning of a brain aneurysm. I did not know what to do with all that anguish so I concentrated on making sure that our two younger children understood that their lives were not over. It was imperative to me that Brianne's death not be in vain, that our family not shut down as if nothing else mattered. It all mattered more after her death somehow, it was important to honor her life by living ours as well as possible, to find meaning on her behalf and in her name.
Pain is the best of teachers though, we humans can be numbskulls and usually learn best the lessons delivered with a firm whack instead of a warm squeeze. I haven't learned all my lessons well but I keep trying because I am not content to rest on what I think I know. One of the things I still haven't figured out is knowing when to shut up, apparently there's a line somewheres, but I can never see it.
On that note, I'll shut it for now.
But I'll be back like an unanswered question soon enough.